some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You had me at "let me see your balls"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
