Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
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Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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