Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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