I just saw a hot homeless man
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize