So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
