**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
