Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
