I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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