she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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