Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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