So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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