That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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