I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
