she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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