the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
