Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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