Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
