I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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