It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
