I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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