Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
