I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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