i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
