i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
areolas are like halos for boobs.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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