You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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