It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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