Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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