Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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