Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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