Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
