I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
