At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
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We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
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I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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