Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
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She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?