It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.