goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
