Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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