i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
