I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
