I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I intend to get homeless drunk
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
