I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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