i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
