on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
