just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
