I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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