Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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