It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
