I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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