you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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