my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize