PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
