if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
