I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize