we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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