The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
