i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
