There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
