apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
