Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
